Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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