I smell stomach acid.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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