I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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