A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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