I hope mine doesn't look like that
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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