You smell like stripper and shame
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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