I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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