Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
