thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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