I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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