I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
