trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
