Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
