He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Vodka?
Forever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
