Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
