This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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