Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
