You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Girls should come with a carfax report
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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