The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
