Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
