Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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