nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
