I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
