I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
