I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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