I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
