Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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