I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
