He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
