Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
