i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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