I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
