You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
