Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
