It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
