When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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