I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
