just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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