You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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