I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
