i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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