mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
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she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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