My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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