I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
