I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
