Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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