I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
