You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
whose parrot is this?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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