just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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