They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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