Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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