Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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