I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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