fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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