We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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